Yes, it's been almost 4 years since a post. I actually have a draft of a post started in October of 2014 that I never finished; such is the craptitude of my dedication to the purpose of the reason for this blog (do people even "blog" anymore, or have we all just accepted that it's really just a digital diary located on the interwebs?). A lot has happened between then and now, so much that it would be futile to even attempt to catch up. I suppose I'll just start from here and post memories as they pertain to whatever situation I'm describing.
But that is not the real point of this particular post. The biggest thing that drew me back to the blog, which happens to be something that will hopefully drive me towards more posts in the future, is much more serious. This will be a "more about dad" post. This is, I feel, a very important post. It's not just a "Here's some things that might give you insight into why I raised you the way I did;" it's not just a "Here's a post you'll want to keep track of to give to your psychiatrist to facilitate and expedite your sessions, to help you reach a place where you know it all went wrong." This is post for posterity's sake.
At the time of this post, you're still not really old enough to know how different people can be. You're surrounded by people who love you; you're still in a stage where, even people who are "mean", you can still be friends with. So this post is somewhat to document who your dad used to be, because I truly do not who I'm going to be going forward from this day. This is very serious as I have carefully and purposefully chosen who I am/was. Most people spend so much of their life finding (or sometimes just trying to find) themselves, trying to figure out where they fit in the world, and wondering what it's all about. Somehow, pretty early in my life, I decided to define myself; I learned very early (high school -ish time) that I simply don't fit in this world; whereas I don't know what it's all about, strangely I'm perfectly content with with that fact.
But, now much of that has to change. The choices I've made in life have brought me to a point where core personality traits are conflicting. Riley (from Inside Out) was both honest and valued friendships, but sometimes those two don't work together, so you have to choose which trait wins over, "If I tell my friend the truth, they'll get so mad that they'll never be my friend anymore, or I could say what would make my friend feel better, but then I'm not being honest;" but that's just one moment, one choice. Now imagine being not in one situation, but a part of life where that conflict happens; life cannot continue without some core change.
I'm not sure what's going to happen, I'm not sure what's going to stay and what's going away. I will do my best to not simply kill any traits. I feel fairly confident that I can simply box up some traits and put them on the shelf; I think that simply having them there will be enough for me. I suppose we'll just have to wait and see. Back in May of 2012, I wrote a post saying I haven't really changed who I am, but today I have to. I HAVE to remove some core traits. And in doing so, many actions will change; many manifestations of who I am will literally be boxed up.
I think I've always been a big believer in actions defining who you are. You could have the highest of ideals, but if you choices (i.e. actions) are not reflecting your beliefs, then you have a conflict; the winning aspect in that conflict between thoughts and actions is always going to be actions. At some point later in my high school days, I personally came to the realization that people mistake my words and actions... regularly; so much so, that it just become a way of life. It wasn't until sometime after 2006 that I realized that it's definitely not your thoughts that make you who you are, but it's not even your actions. You are who other people think you are; the majority of the time, you can control that through your actions, but sometimes people are going to take your actions completely different than anything you've intended. At some point you'll have to make the decision, depending on what you're core traits are: do you stick to who you are and accept the consequences, or do you change who you are?
For decades I accepted the crap my personality brought. It got the point where I could even predict the crap, but I stuck to who I was because I believed that was more important. But now I've gotten to the point where I've finally accepted that I have to change. I've made choices in my life that unexpectedly, and I personally believe couldn't have been known, brought me to a place that I have no other alternative; something's got to give.
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