It has come to my attention that I need to be clear about some things I'm writing, or maybe even the purpose of this blog. The purpose of this blog was/is to try and show you who I am/was, and possibly why I am/was who I am/was. It's also here to provide some guidance in case something happens to me; some parenting tips from beyond the grave. Many parenting actions occur by giving direct instruction; usually that's followed up with the child (i.e. you) witnessing the parent (i.e. your mom and me) putting those instructions into practice. So for example, I might tell you to be mindful of your surroundings and to consider other people's needs above your, I then might demonstrate that (even if I don't realize I'm doing it which is most common) by noticing there's someone a few steps behind me heading to the same door I am and holding the door open for them, letting them go through first. So instruction was given, then it was reinforced with me putting my own instruction into practice, showing how it's done.
Sometimes the instruction isn't ever demonstrated, maybe due to a lack of opportunity to demonstrate; sometimes the parents' actions are in direct contradiction to the instruction; sometimes no instruction is given and all the child has to go off of is demonstration. Hopefully my instruction and demonstration are rarely in contradiction; hopefully the only time no demo is provided are for things that can't obviously be demoed; hopefully you'll always inquire about my actions so I can provide instruction, even if it's after the fact. But the point of this post, mainly, is to clarify that things I write about might be in contradiction to my actions. And, because actions speak louder than words, many times lessons are lost. I will promise you, Isaac, if you ever question my actions when they're in conflict with what I've instructed that I will either explain to you how that situation was different than the instruction, or I will admit that I either messed up that once or that I'm too weak to actually do it. Sometimes the explanation will probably come off as an excuse, but I promise you they are not.
I recently (keep in mind when this was posted) heard someone comment on parenting tips sometimes being inconsistent with their actions, or the worry of parents coming off as hypocritical, especially with subjects such as drugs, alcohol, or pre-marital sex. I don't remember the exact quote, but the sentiment was something along the lines of, "Saying 'Do as I say and not as I do' is hypocritical... saying 'Do as I say and not as I did' is called parenting." I agree with that 95%; I think there's a little bit of room in there for some things such as character flaws. And this leads to the point of this post:
Just because I list desired traits, ways of thinking, abilities, etc. that I want you to have, doesn't mean I possess them to any great amount, if at all.
I stated near the beginning all the fears I have, those are genuine. I want you to be better than me... every parent should want that. Are there things I'm going to talk about here that are mirrored in me? Of course, but there are plenty of things I don't have. Just because I might say I want you to be a person who seeks out doing good for others doesn't mean I'm the end all, be all source of reaching out. Not only are there things about my personality I don't want you to have, there are plenty of things I do want you to have that I don't. Maybe I don't have a strong enough will to do these things; maybe I'm not disciplined enough; heck, maybe I like to think I am a certain way, but I'm really not. The point is, do your best to head my words.
I will do my best to keep my hypocrisy to a minimum, but in order for you to become better than me, in every aspect, you will have to have traits, abilities, thought processes, etc. that I don't have. Just because I know things that will make me a better doesn't mean I have the ability to enact those things.
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Friday, June 29, 2012
Example: considering others
So, here's a real life example; it just happened so it's fresh in my mind. I was at Subway (in case I've never told you, I don't have any affinity for Subway what-so-ever, it's just that in Yuma, there's not much of a choice; hopefully you'll know this because we'll be living somewhere that has a lot more choices for eating... not that you should be doing it that much what with your mom being as good a cook as she is), and there were three of us waiting in line to pay for our food. We all had our sammiches made, but someone's shift was ending, they were cashing out, and we were all waiting to be rung up. I was the third person in line.
I glanced over and noticed there was only one bag of Doritos left, and no Cheetos. Now, Cheetos aren't my favorite snack... neither are Doritos; they're probably 3rd and 2nd on my list respectively. My favorite "chip" type snack are Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream with a Mountain Dew to wash it down. The problem is, Cheetos has the most food in the bag (at least in the snack bags, I haven't checked the big bags), so I usually get that just to get more for my money. Anywhose, back to the point, one bag of Doritos left. Now, I could've walked over, grabbed the bag, and held on to it until it was time to ring me up. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with that. The closest argument anyone could make would something along the lines of, those other two guys were there first, they should get dibs on chip choice before me. But the fact is, anyone could walk in at any time, walk up, grab a bag of chips, and pay for it; if they're not buying a sammich, they don't have to wait in the sammich line, they just go up and pay for it. So had I grabbed the chips before either of the two guys paid and grabbed theirs, it would be questionable at worst, not "bad" at best.
But more importantly, it's definitely not "good". I believe there are at least three states for almost every situation; good, bad, and neutral. That's not to say there are varying shades of grey as you may have heard, that's just saying there's doing good (e.g. holding the door open for someone), doing neutral (e.g. walking through a door), and doing bad (e.g. shutting the door after you walk through, even when you know someone is behind you). Many times, doing neutral is actually not doing anything. Many times doing what I consider to be neutral, many people feel that's actually doing good, I'm assuming because they feel that if they're not doing bad, they must be doing good; I wholeheartedly disagree with that. If just walking through the door is not bad, then it must be good, and if it's good, then what's holding the door open... better? Now you're starting to talk about multiple shades of white which is... silly.
Sometimes there isn't an opportunity to do "good", there's just the choice between doing bad and doing not bad (which is different than "not doing bad"); sometimes doing good for one person is doing bad for someone else (e.g. letting someone skip you in line might be nice to the person you're allowing to skip, but it's rude to the people in line behind you). But, in this example that I'm giving here, I had the choice of getting the bag before they paid (depending on who you talk to, there's absolutely nothing "bad" about that), or just waiting until it was my turn to get the bag (which isn't "good" either because that's just the natural flow).
However, I was faced with a choice: serve myself at the possible expense of someone else (maybe neither one of them would take the Doritos), or let them have dibs on the Doritos if they wanted them (then I get stuck with chips I don't like). To me, there's absolutely no question about it, you follow the "rules" and let them have first choice since they were there first; going over and grabbing those chips is simply selfish or thoughtless... oh wait, I haven't talked about selfishness vs. thoughtlessness. I'll link to that once I get that written up.
The kicker is, from my perspective, I was willing to give away what I wanted so they could have what they wanted, pretty selfless if you ask me, but they'll never know it. All they know is, they paid for the meal, turned around, and grabbed the bag they wanted never knowing that's what I wanted. Now, I personally don't really care about that fact, but most people would; most people, when they do something sacrificial, want everyone to know about "Hey everybody, look at the good deed I do-ed."
So, I ALWAYS want you to be conscious about what others may want, and to ALWAYS put their wants over yours, a-l-w-a-y-s; always put their needs over yours; obviously put their needs over your wants, that would be just wrong not to; now, putting their wants over your needs, now we can talk about that (of course, all of this is dependent on knowing the difference between your wants and needs, and even harder to discern the wants vs. needs of someone else).
What would've been me doing "good"? In this situation, I don't think I could've, so I have to pose a different situation. Let's say I was the first person in line, with the other two behind me. It would've been perfectly acceptable for me to pay for my meal, walk over and grab whatever bag of chips was available to me; heck, some people might argue doing anything different would be silly. Doing good, being different, leading an exemplary life would've been to see the last bag of Doritos, realize these other two guys may have wanted it, turn to them and ask, "Hey, are either of you going to get Doritos," and if either said yes, give them the bag. That's true sacrifice... well, so far as realizing that all we're talking about here is a bag of chips, not you amputating your leg to save someone else's life. And the trick, of course, would be to find the joy in making sure someone else got what they wanted, and that joy should be far greater than anything you sacrificed.
I glanced over and noticed there was only one bag of Doritos left, and no Cheetos. Now, Cheetos aren't my favorite snack... neither are Doritos; they're probably 3rd and 2nd on my list respectively. My favorite "chip" type snack are Ruffles Cheddar and Sour Cream with a Mountain Dew to wash it down. The problem is, Cheetos has the most food in the bag (at least in the snack bags, I haven't checked the big bags), so I usually get that just to get more for my money. Anywhose, back to the point, one bag of Doritos left. Now, I could've walked over, grabbed the bag, and held on to it until it was time to ring me up. I don't think there's anything "wrong" with that. The closest argument anyone could make would something along the lines of, those other two guys were there first, they should get dibs on chip choice before me. But the fact is, anyone could walk in at any time, walk up, grab a bag of chips, and pay for it; if they're not buying a sammich, they don't have to wait in the sammich line, they just go up and pay for it. So had I grabbed the chips before either of the two guys paid and grabbed theirs, it would be questionable at worst, not "bad" at best.
But more importantly, it's definitely not "good". I believe there are at least three states for almost every situation; good, bad, and neutral. That's not to say there are varying shades of grey as you may have heard, that's just saying there's doing good (e.g. holding the door open for someone), doing neutral (e.g. walking through a door), and doing bad (e.g. shutting the door after you walk through, even when you know someone is behind you). Many times, doing neutral is actually not doing anything. Many times doing what I consider to be neutral, many people feel that's actually doing good, I'm assuming because they feel that if they're not doing bad, they must be doing good; I wholeheartedly disagree with that. If just walking through the door is not bad, then it must be good, and if it's good, then what's holding the door open... better? Now you're starting to talk about multiple shades of white which is... silly.
Sometimes there isn't an opportunity to do "good", there's just the choice between doing bad and doing not bad (which is different than "not doing bad"); sometimes doing good for one person is doing bad for someone else (e.g. letting someone skip you in line might be nice to the person you're allowing to skip, but it's rude to the people in line behind you). But, in this example that I'm giving here, I had the choice of getting the bag before they paid (depending on who you talk to, there's absolutely nothing "bad" about that), or just waiting until it was my turn to get the bag (which isn't "good" either because that's just the natural flow).
However, I was faced with a choice: serve myself at the possible expense of someone else (maybe neither one of them would take the Doritos), or let them have dibs on the Doritos if they wanted them (then I get stuck with chips I don't like). To me, there's absolutely no question about it, you follow the "rules" and let them have first choice since they were there first; going over and grabbing those chips is simply selfish or thoughtless... oh wait, I haven't talked about selfishness vs. thoughtlessness. I'll link to that once I get that written up.
The kicker is, from my perspective, I was willing to give away what I wanted so they could have what they wanted, pretty selfless if you ask me, but they'll never know it. All they know is, they paid for the meal, turned around, and grabbed the bag they wanted never knowing that's what I wanted. Now, I personally don't really care about that fact, but most people would; most people, when they do something sacrificial, want everyone to know about "Hey everybody, look at the good deed I do-ed."
So, I ALWAYS want you to be conscious about what others may want, and to ALWAYS put their wants over yours, a-l-w-a-y-s; always put their needs over yours; obviously put their needs over your wants, that would be just wrong not to; now, putting their wants over your needs, now we can talk about that (of course, all of this is dependent on knowing the difference between your wants and needs, and even harder to discern the wants vs. needs of someone else).
What would've been me doing "good"? In this situation, I don't think I could've, so I have to pose a different situation. Let's say I was the first person in line, with the other two behind me. It would've been perfectly acceptable for me to pay for my meal, walk over and grab whatever bag of chips was available to me; heck, some people might argue doing anything different would be silly. Doing good, being different, leading an exemplary life would've been to see the last bag of Doritos, realize these other two guys may have wanted it, turn to them and ask, "Hey, are either of you going to get Doritos," and if either said yes, give them the bag. That's true sacrifice... well, so far as realizing that all we're talking about here is a bag of chips, not you amputating your leg to save someone else's life. And the trick, of course, would be to find the joy in making sure someone else got what they wanted, and that joy should be far greater than anything you sacrificed.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Fear: Deal with it
You see, "dealing with it" can be applied to almost all areas your life, and in 90% of situations it's helpful which is why I believe it to be so important. Is the temperature a little too warm or cool to be comfortable? If you're good with dealing with it, it won't matter and you can still do whatever you need/want (be it chores or even playing); also, you will save money by not having to artificially change the climate. Dealing with it is also at the core of not being the source of negativity for other people. Many times and places, with friends or strangers, only one thing can happen and it won't please everyone; someone is not getting what they want. Someone's going to be, to some level, "unhappy". If you can deal with it, you'll be the least unhappy, and you can gain some joy out of knowing that it was directly due to your sacrifice that you allowed someone else to be happy.
I'm sort of starting to lose my train of thought here because there are just SO many aspects of life that dealing with it is both healthy and helpful for both yourself, and for those around you. I'd love to give you more examples, but there are just too many flying around my head right now. Hopefully you can glean enough from the examples I gave. I might add more at a later time.
As I alluded to, though, dealing with it isn't 100% "good". Dealing with everything is a doorway to being a doormat and having everyone walk all over you. But, just because you can deal with a situation that isn't what you wanted, doesn't mean you have to put yourself in that situation repeatedly. If you're with a "friend" who constantly does whatever he/she wants and you're constantly having to deal with it, maybe they're not that good of a friend and you should stop hanging out with them. It's that whole "Do X to me once, shame on you; do X to me twice, shame on me," where X is something you don't like. Of course, I'm more along the lines of allowing the person to do it 3 or 4 times before it's my fault. Also, dealing it with can lead to things like being uninspired, unmotivated, or unclean. You might not mind dealing with having a sink full of dirty dishes all the time; that's not good. BUT... don't confuse dealing with it with laziness or bad habits.
Dealing with it means that you're not getting your way when you could be getting your way, and you're not complaining about it. Waiting for Christmas even though you can hardly contain yourself? That's NOT dealing with it because A) there's nothing you can do to change anything, 2) it's definitely coming. Letting your friend get the last piece of cake even though you hadn't had any yet, but complaining about it the whole time? That's NOT dealing it because you're complaining. Constantly having to tip toe through your bedroom because those spots are the only clean ones? You're not dealing with the mess, you're either being lazy and not picking up after yourself or you truly just don't mind; either way, you're not "dealing with it."
What I'm afraid of, though, is that as I mentioned, due to the nature of dealing with it, I don't know if you'll be able to pick that up from us. I "deal with" a lot of stuff; your mother, notsomuch. E.G., I would deal with a warm/cool car/house (let me be clear, it's not that I'm perfectly comfortable, it's that I'm not dying of heat, so I deal with it in order to save $$$), but your mom has a narrow temperature range she's willing to put up with before turning on the A/C or heater. There's nothing wrong with that, but if she turns on the A/C or heater, then it's on for everyone (or at the very least it's on for her, so now we're paying for it; me getting the benefit of the A/C doesn't change how much it costs). The point is, you're not going to be told to deal with it as much as I was as a kid because your mom is more likely to make sure your comfortable. You might say, "Ehhh, I'm sooooo hungry," (even though you ate just 5 hours ago to the point that you wouldn't eat any more) to which I would want to reply, "You'll have to wait." But your mom will probably convince me to stop and get something to eat now because she herself is hungry and not willing to deal with it. Thus, you didn't have to deal with it and that lesson is lost.
Hopefully in further posts, if I mention an example, I'll saying something along the lines of "And if you're good at dealing with it, it wouldn't be a problem."
Thursday, May 10, 2012
"Character traits"
I'm pretty sure this is going to both shed some light on me as well as attempt to convey some insight for you. I'm not sure how widespread it is (but then again, with devices like the Internet, it's impossible to tell if something is the way it is because more people actually believe it or because the people who believe are just the loudest), but it seems there's a general consensus that any perceived negative trait in a person isn't actually a trait, but just a one time moment of a bad decision.
Sure, people make mistakes all the time; I know for a fact you're going to make a ton of mistakes as you grow up (as every human being does). I'm fairly confident you're going to, albeit hopefully not for too long, make mistakes that others have made; "A fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of other." I believe the "fool" in that quote is someone whose only mistake was not heading the warning of others; that quote isn't saying if you make your own "original" mistake, you're a fool. The point is, you're going to make mistakes, and at first you'll make mistakes that have been made by countless others since humans have existed; none of that makes you, or other people, a bad person.
But at what point do these bad decisions indicate a personality or character trait? Someone who invests money in a get-rich-quick scheme, bad decision; someone who does that annually, bad person. Someone who does it twice in their life... still just bad decisions? Someone who does it once every five years, are they a bad person yet? I think a key aspect that people now-a-days look at is simply the decision itself and make a judgement based on that (I'll talk about "judging" later, either in the post or a following one); somehow we seem to have forgotten (or maybe people didn't do this in general, ever) to look at the governing traits that lead to that decision.
Let's take that person who got in a get-rich-quick scheme, lost his money, and now his family is in deep doo doo; he only did this once, learned his lesson, never did it again. There's not a character trait of "Oh, he's a get-rich-quick schemer," there's a character trait of someone who wants to make big gains with little effort, even at the cost of others. This particular time it manifested itself as saying yes to the scheme; some other time, however, the trait could manifest itself as cheating on a test. Put someone who regularly gets in get-rich-quick schemes and someone who regularly cheats on tests and you might not think they're the same person. I'm no psychologist, so I don't know core traits and how they may dictate our actions. What I do believe is that there are only a handful of traits that, in varying amounts, equal a wholly unique person. There are plenty of tests out there that point to personality traits; I believe one of the most common test has four categories, each with two contrasting possibilities. What these tests don't include is any degree of moral alignment (and maybe they can't since it seems morality is a fluctuating thing); and these tests definitely don't ever tell you what decisions these traits will lead to.
It could be the certain combination of traits that lead one person to give 20% of their earnings to charity is the same combination that could lead someone to commit suicide; and yet someone else who commits suicide might do it and they have a completely different set of character traits than the previous person. I believe there's something no test could show that would show the difference between those two people. Maybe it's morality, maybe it's spirituality, or something else, I don't know.
I realize I'm starting to lose focus here, that you're probably asking yourself, "What is he getting at?" First off, don't judge people based on one or two actions they do (looks like the judging talk will have to wait for another time); secondly, don't write a string of common mistakes off as just mistakes, at some point you have to realize there is something in that person's character traits (or even your own depending on who you're looking at) that's driving them to regularly make those mistakes; thirdly, if you truly want to know someone, you should try to find common, underlying factors in people actions/choices. Two actions may seem unrelated and may be completely opposite, but if you look at the reasoning behind those actions, you might come to realize that they share a certain required thought process; you might also see how they differ and learn even more about the person (or yourself).
Of course, as with many things, you should apply this to yourself. You should constantly be putting yourself in other people's shoes, always be treating others how you want to be treated, and always thinking of how your actions affect other people. The only way you can do any of that is to know yourself first; knowing the reasons behind your actions will help with that.
And I want you to know this to give a little insight into your father. Since I married your mother, I've changed the things I do; I've started being more diligent about some things and I've had to give up other things. Some people might look at these changes and think I'm changing who I am, but I don't believe that. I believe the relatively small set of character traits that make up everyone, the core aspects of who I am haven't changed. Just as an example, you might think being a "gamer" is a character trait, but it's really just a manifestation of when character traits meet circumstances; for me, circumstances have changed, so that aspect of my life has changed. My character defining traits have overridden my desires to do certain things, so I'm taking different actions. Maybe later I'll try to sit down and make a list of things I used to do to try and give you further insight into me; things I've grown out of, things I can't do anymore, things I'm not "allowed" to do anymore, etc.
Sure, people make mistakes all the time; I know for a fact you're going to make a ton of mistakes as you grow up (as every human being does). I'm fairly confident you're going to, albeit hopefully not for too long, make mistakes that others have made; "A fool learns from his own mistakes, a wise man learns from the mistakes of other." I believe the "fool" in that quote is someone whose only mistake was not heading the warning of others; that quote isn't saying if you make your own "original" mistake, you're a fool. The point is, you're going to make mistakes, and at first you'll make mistakes that have been made by countless others since humans have existed; none of that makes you, or other people, a bad person.
But at what point do these bad decisions indicate a personality or character trait? Someone who invests money in a get-rich-quick scheme, bad decision; someone who does that annually, bad person. Someone who does it twice in their life... still just bad decisions? Someone who does it once every five years, are they a bad person yet? I think a key aspect that people now-a-days look at is simply the decision itself and make a judgement based on that (I'll talk about "judging" later, either in the post or a following one); somehow we seem to have forgotten (or maybe people didn't do this in general, ever) to look at the governing traits that lead to that decision.
Let's take that person who got in a get-rich-quick scheme, lost his money, and now his family is in deep doo doo; he only did this once, learned his lesson, never did it again. There's not a character trait of "Oh, he's a get-rich-quick schemer," there's a character trait of someone who wants to make big gains with little effort, even at the cost of others. This particular time it manifested itself as saying yes to the scheme; some other time, however, the trait could manifest itself as cheating on a test. Put someone who regularly gets in get-rich-quick schemes and someone who regularly cheats on tests and you might not think they're the same person. I'm no psychologist, so I don't know core traits and how they may dictate our actions. What I do believe is that there are only a handful of traits that, in varying amounts, equal a wholly unique person. There are plenty of tests out there that point to personality traits; I believe one of the most common test has four categories, each with two contrasting possibilities. What these tests don't include is any degree of moral alignment (and maybe they can't since it seems morality is a fluctuating thing); and these tests definitely don't ever tell you what decisions these traits will lead to.
It could be the certain combination of traits that lead one person to give 20% of their earnings to charity is the same combination that could lead someone to commit suicide; and yet someone else who commits suicide might do it and they have a completely different set of character traits than the previous person. I believe there's something no test could show that would show the difference between those two people. Maybe it's morality, maybe it's spirituality, or something else, I don't know.
I realize I'm starting to lose focus here, that you're probably asking yourself, "What is he getting at?" First off, don't judge people based on one or two actions they do (looks like the judging talk will have to wait for another time); secondly, don't write a string of common mistakes off as just mistakes, at some point you have to realize there is something in that person's character traits (or even your own depending on who you're looking at) that's driving them to regularly make those mistakes; thirdly, if you truly want to know someone, you should try to find common, underlying factors in people actions/choices. Two actions may seem unrelated and may be completely opposite, but if you look at the reasoning behind those actions, you might come to realize that they share a certain required thought process; you might also see how they differ and learn even more about the person (or yourself).
Of course, as with many things, you should apply this to yourself. You should constantly be putting yourself in other people's shoes, always be treating others how you want to be treated, and always thinking of how your actions affect other people. The only way you can do any of that is to know yourself first; knowing the reasons behind your actions will help with that.
And I want you to know this to give a little insight into your father. Since I married your mother, I've changed the things I do; I've started being more diligent about some things and I've had to give up other things. Some people might look at these changes and think I'm changing who I am, but I don't believe that. I believe the relatively small set of character traits that make up everyone, the core aspects of who I am haven't changed. Just as an example, you might think being a "gamer" is a character trait, but it's really just a manifestation of when character traits meet circumstances; for me, circumstances have changed, so that aspect of my life has changed. My character defining traits have overridden my desires to do certain things, so I'm taking different actions. Maybe later I'll try to sit down and make a list of things I used to do to try and give you further insight into me; things I've grown out of, things I can't do anymore, things I'm not "allowed" to do anymore, etc.
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Vidja games and gaming in general
I was going to put this post in the technology post, but it ran much longer than I wanted to, and I still didn't get everything across that I want to. So, I decided to put this relatively quick post in it's own post. I think I'll say the word post just a few more times... post post post.
Your mother severely doesn't like video games, possibly hates them. I'm fairly certain I drove her to the negative side of opinion on video games; I believe she was fine with them before, but I drove her to the loathing, so you can blame me. That's not to say she hates all forms of entertainment that require interaction and a display; she loves some things like Rockband; at one point she said she even liked some of the Move Sports Champion games. I believe her dislike comes from her perception that video games take away from other responsibilities.
First I want to tackle my disagreement that many people (including your mother) view video games as a generally negative thing. I think it's pretty unanimous (as unanimous as a society can get) that reading is good and video games are bad (other than video games that are designed specifically to teach); it's always better to go read The Hunger Games than it is to go play Uncharted. I believe it's even more acceptable to go watch a show on TV than it is to play video games, now that's a mindset I'll never get behind. I honestly don't see why, and I know I'm not the only person, but I know this is a chasm between your mom and me.
Books consist of a story, told to you by someone, in a static way, and you have no influence on the story. But, you're engaged because it's a "theater of the mind" thing; your brain is creating the scenery based off suggestions by the author, you create the voices for the characters, etc. Not only are you being transported to another place and/or time, but your brain is actively creating it; influenced by the writer, but ultimately it's your creation. Television is much like a book, without all the personal creativity; there's a reason they call it the boob tube. The creators of a show tell you a story, and they provide the set pieces, you know exactly how a character looks and sounds because... she's right there, and the story continues at its own pace without any interaction from you what-so-ever except to turn on the TV. In a video game, you've got the basis of a story and you've even got the imagery fed to you much like a TV show or movie, but the twist is you influence the story itself. You have to figure out what to do next, and you have to have the skill to actually do it; you might even be able to experience the story in different ways, or the story might end up differently due to your choices.
So a video game takes away the "theater of the mind" but gives you power over the story. To me, playing video games is on par with reading a book. Sure, there are games out there that are mind numbing, or games that don't really have a point, but there are plenty of books like that too.
I think I completely ruined games for your mom in two ways. I arrived and married your mom around the time your siblings were young teenagers; I brought with me the newest fangled gadgetry in gaming. I also as an adult was a regular gamer, something your mom hadn't really come across, at least in a day-to-day interactive way, before I believe. So your siblings, Caleb more so than Promise and Promise more so than Charity, had access to better gaming and their tastes started growing beyond "casual" video gaming. As a child, video games did provide a degree of a distraction for me; there were times I'd choose video games over doing something I should've been doing (chores, homework, etc.). I might be thinking about how to beat a certain boss instead of focusing on the lesson the teacher was giving. I could argue that my mind was wandering, it just happened to be about games; blaming video games would be a scapegoat because if I didn't have video games, I'd just be thinking of whatever it was I was interested in (sports, building stuff, etc.). But I won't make that argument, I will freely admit it was video games that had me distracted. As an adult, however, video games don't really distract me; if I'm playing a video game, it's because as far as I know, I've taken care of everything. Now I probably have simply forgotten something (as forgetfulness is a character defining trait for me unfortunately if you haven't already picked up on that), but I definitely do not choose to play games when I know I could/should be doing something else; if I didn't have video games, I'd just be watching TV, or reading a book, or napping. Blaming video games, for me as an adult now, is definitely a scapegoat tactic.
So, if there's one thing I can bank on, it that you're going to play video games (yes, I could end up being wrong and I'd be perfectly fine with that, but I would find it sad that here's one thing that we could've shared a passion for). But, I will do my best to teach you to be a responsible gamer; to teach you to game in moderation. Like anything, there's a time for gaming and there's a time for working. I hope to teach you how very low of a priority gaming should be. I hope that you'll enjoy all kinds of games, from shooters, to adventures, to story driven, to mindless gem matching. I hope that you have such a broad horizon of video game enjoyment, it doesn't become an obsession. I hope you'll rather go play kickball with your friends than to go play ANY video game; I hope playing video games is just one of a plethora of ways you get entertainment as well as interaction with other people. I especially hope you're not just a video gamer, but a gamer in general.
I hope you love board games, card games, role playing games, role playing board games that have lots of cards. Sure, you may end up being a sports jock for all I know, and I'll support you as best as I know how, but I'll tell it'll be hard for me because where as I enjoy sports, they're not that high on my list of things to enjoy. I played baseball from 2nd grade through 9th grade; I LOVED playing volleyball every Sunday at Youth Group; I enjoyed playing football whenever the "group" would decide to. But they were never really that much of a "focus" for me; although even sports are a type of game.
And most importantly I hope you learn how to play games (physical or video) for fun, not to win. Winning is definitely fun, and you should always play to the best of your abilities, but focusing on winning can be detrimental to your overall enjoyment. First off, if winning is your first goal then you'll also need to learn how to lose gracefully; if winning is your first goal, then the other people you're playing with might have less fun. But if your first goal is to have fun, when you lose you can still get enjoyment from the experience, and you'll be sure to be a source of fun for the people you're playing with.
Your mother severely doesn't like video games, possibly hates them. I'm fairly certain I drove her to the negative side of opinion on video games; I believe she was fine with them before, but I drove her to the loathing, so you can blame me. That's not to say she hates all forms of entertainment that require interaction and a display; she loves some things like Rockband; at one point she said she even liked some of the Move Sports Champion games. I believe her dislike comes from her perception that video games take away from other responsibilities.
First I want to tackle my disagreement that many people (including your mother) view video games as a generally negative thing. I think it's pretty unanimous (as unanimous as a society can get) that reading is good and video games are bad (other than video games that are designed specifically to teach); it's always better to go read The Hunger Games than it is to go play Uncharted. I believe it's even more acceptable to go watch a show on TV than it is to play video games, now that's a mindset I'll never get behind. I honestly don't see why, and I know I'm not the only person, but I know this is a chasm between your mom and me.
 |
| Stop playing Brain Age and why don't you watch Jersey Shore or something?!?! |
Books consist of a story, told to you by someone, in a static way, and you have no influence on the story. But, you're engaged because it's a "theater of the mind" thing; your brain is creating the scenery based off suggestions by the author, you create the voices for the characters, etc. Not only are you being transported to another place and/or time, but your brain is actively creating it; influenced by the writer, but ultimately it's your creation. Television is much like a book, without all the personal creativity; there's a reason they call it the boob tube. The creators of a show tell you a story, and they provide the set pieces, you know exactly how a character looks and sounds because... she's right there, and the story continues at its own pace without any interaction from you what-so-ever except to turn on the TV. In a video game, you've got the basis of a story and you've even got the imagery fed to you much like a TV show or movie, but the twist is you influence the story itself. You have to figure out what to do next, and you have to have the skill to actually do it; you might even be able to experience the story in different ways, or the story might end up differently due to your choices.
So a video game takes away the "theater of the mind" but gives you power over the story. To me, playing video games is on par with reading a book. Sure, there are games out there that are mind numbing, or games that don't really have a point, but there are plenty of books like that too.
I think I completely ruined games for your mom in two ways. I arrived and married your mom around the time your siblings were young teenagers; I brought with me the newest fangled gadgetry in gaming. I also as an adult was a regular gamer, something your mom hadn't really come across, at least in a day-to-day interactive way, before I believe. So your siblings, Caleb more so than Promise and Promise more so than Charity, had access to better gaming and their tastes started growing beyond "casual" video gaming. As a child, video games did provide a degree of a distraction for me; there were times I'd choose video games over doing something I should've been doing (chores, homework, etc.). I might be thinking about how to beat a certain boss instead of focusing on the lesson the teacher was giving. I could argue that my mind was wandering, it just happened to be about games; blaming video games would be a scapegoat because if I didn't have video games, I'd just be thinking of whatever it was I was interested in (sports, building stuff, etc.). But I won't make that argument, I will freely admit it was video games that had me distracted. As an adult, however, video games don't really distract me; if I'm playing a video game, it's because as far as I know, I've taken care of everything. Now I probably have simply forgotten something (as forgetfulness is a character defining trait for me unfortunately if you haven't already picked up on that), but I definitely do not choose to play games when I know I could/should be doing something else; if I didn't have video games, I'd just be watching TV, or reading a book, or napping. Blaming video games, for me as an adult now, is definitely a scapegoat tactic.
So, if there's one thing I can bank on, it that you're going to play video games (yes, I could end up being wrong and I'd be perfectly fine with that, but I would find it sad that here's one thing that we could've shared a passion for). But, I will do my best to teach you to be a responsible gamer; to teach you to game in moderation. Like anything, there's a time for gaming and there's a time for working. I hope to teach you how very low of a priority gaming should be. I hope that you'll enjoy all kinds of games, from shooters, to adventures, to story driven, to mindless gem matching. I hope that you have such a broad horizon of video game enjoyment, it doesn't become an obsession. I hope you'll rather go play kickball with your friends than to go play ANY video game; I hope playing video games is just one of a plethora of ways you get entertainment as well as interaction with other people. I especially hope you're not just a video gamer, but a gamer in general.
I hope you love board games, card games, role playing games, role playing board games that have lots of cards. Sure, you may end up being a sports jock for all I know, and I'll support you as best as I know how, but I'll tell it'll be hard for me because where as I enjoy sports, they're not that high on my list of things to enjoy. I played baseball from 2nd grade through 9th grade; I LOVED playing volleyball every Sunday at Youth Group; I enjoyed playing football whenever the "group" would decide to. But they were never really that much of a "focus" for me; although even sports are a type of game.
And most importantly I hope you learn how to play games (physical or video) for fun, not to win. Winning is definitely fun, and you should always play to the best of your abilities, but focusing on winning can be detrimental to your overall enjoyment. First off, if winning is your first goal then you'll also need to learn how to lose gracefully; if winning is your first goal, then the other people you're playing with might have less fun. But if your first goal is to have fun, when you lose you can still get enjoyment from the experience, and you'll be sure to be a source of fun for the people you're playing with.
"Technology"... ewww
This might sound like a contradiction, but I'm not a fan of today's technology... for the most part; I'm especially not a fan of technology that makes the world smaller. You can take any one one piece of technology and say "See, this isn't so bad," but a combination of all this technology, and our reliance on it, is what worries me. What worries me even more is that, like many things, you'll either end up on my side of the fence and all the kids will make fun of you, "Ha ha, I can't believe your parents won't let you have a cell phone, I mean, we're in 4th grade, your parents are so lame," (Note: I don't care if your friends think I'm lame) or you'll be like most people MY age and your age, in which case it's going to be a constant struggle between you and me.
I was originally going to give a section about cell phones and another section about computers, but they're already blending today (yes, there once was a time when a cell was just a way to call people, and maybe do some basic functions like a calculator), who knows what's going to happen in the next 10~20 years, so I'll try to talk about them together. Computers, especially mobile devices, give us unprecedented access to all knowledge... pretty much anywhere, anytime. It's not the information that's new, or the amount of it, it's the accessibility to it that has me worried. Why will we, as people in general, ever need to "learn" anything other than learning how to find the knowledge? Yes, having the ability to seek out knowledge is important, arguably more important than the having of said knowledge itself, but that doesn't mean we should not strive to learn that knowledge for ourselves. I've often seen kids who put off doing work now-a-days because they know the information is right there, over at the desk where the computer sits; they don't have a certain window in which they can access the information or to go to a specific place to get that knowledge (i.e. go to a library when it's open). And this is coming from me, a true procrastinator if there ever was one.
I believe there's something to be gained by having the discipline to plan to set aside time to do the work. I'm not talking about doing the actual work. A research paper isn't going to write itself, it's always going to require time to actually write up the paper; the information that's out there isn't going to gather and organize itself, you still have to do it. I'm talking about planning ahead; back in the days of yore (i.e. my childhood), I had to say to myself, "OK, the library is closed on Sundays and it's only open until 6:00. I get out of school at 2:30, so I've got to head over there right after school to do this research. Since this is due on Monday, I have to make sure all my materials are gathered prior to Saturday." I believe this unlimited access to knowledge is making us lazier. And if I do things to try and instill in you those, what I believe to be, important values it will, again, drive a wedge between us because you simply can't understand why when you see all your friends who are carrying all the information the Internet holds in the palm of their hands. Yes, it's convenient to have this knowledge at our disposal, I'm not knocking the access itself, I'm knocking our reliance on it.
With this unlimited access to this information also comes unlimited access to each other. I believe we, as human beings, aren't meant to be as connected as we are, or at least how we're becoming. When God confused the languages at Babel, maybe He did it simply to spread the tribes to repopulate the Earth, or maybe He did it because he knew that we weren't meant to be that connected with that many people. I believe most of the Laws he gave to Moses weren't because he was lording rules over us, it wasn't a power trip, I believe all of His commandments are because He knows how we work, He knows what's best for us. What I know is that I don't like being so accessible to everyone; I don't want people to know what I'm doing every moment of every day. I like that I have the ability to reach someone at anytime, wherever they are, but I don't expect or rely on that connection; I know that if I want to make sure someone is available for something, I need to plan for it, and if plans couldn't be made then it's just a shame if that connection can't be made. There used to be a time when, if a child couldn't get permission from his parent he wouldn't do it (or he would do it and know he would get punished if he got caught). Today I see too often children saying, "Well, I texted you that I was going over the Frank's house," or, "I called your cell phone..." It seems like because now we have this always available connection to each other, we shifted our thinking from "I couldn't get in contact with them because maybe they're out in the field doing work, we'll have to hold off on doing this until I get in touch them," to, "Well, they're not answering their phone, they must not care if we do this so let's just go ahead and do it."
Again, I think it's unhealthy as a people and I'm worried that you'll either agree with me and be ostracized, or you'll be like everyone else and and just have another barrier between us.
 |
| Ha ha, your dad won't let you get Brain Jacktm, you have to use your phone with your hands, you're so lame. |
I was originally going to give a section about cell phones and another section about computers, but they're already blending today (yes, there once was a time when a cell was just a way to call people, and maybe do some basic functions like a calculator), who knows what's going to happen in the next 10~20 years, so I'll try to talk about them together. Computers, especially mobile devices, give us unprecedented access to all knowledge... pretty much anywhere, anytime. It's not the information that's new, or the amount of it, it's the accessibility to it that has me worried. Why will we, as people in general, ever need to "learn" anything other than learning how to find the knowledge? Yes, having the ability to seek out knowledge is important, arguably more important than the having of said knowledge itself, but that doesn't mean we should not strive to learn that knowledge for ourselves. I've often seen kids who put off doing work now-a-days because they know the information is right there, over at the desk where the computer sits; they don't have a certain window in which they can access the information or to go to a specific place to get that knowledge (i.e. go to a library when it's open). And this is coming from me, a true procrastinator if there ever was one.
I believe there's something to be gained by having the discipline to plan to set aside time to do the work. I'm not talking about doing the actual work. A research paper isn't going to write itself, it's always going to require time to actually write up the paper; the information that's out there isn't going to gather and organize itself, you still have to do it. I'm talking about planning ahead; back in the days of yore (i.e. my childhood), I had to say to myself, "OK, the library is closed on Sundays and it's only open until 6:00. I get out of school at 2:30, so I've got to head over there right after school to do this research. Since this is due on Monday, I have to make sure all my materials are gathered prior to Saturday." I believe this unlimited access to knowledge is making us lazier. And if I do things to try and instill in you those, what I believe to be, important values it will, again, drive a wedge between us because you simply can't understand why when you see all your friends who are carrying all the information the Internet holds in the palm of their hands. Yes, it's convenient to have this knowledge at our disposal, I'm not knocking the access itself, I'm knocking our reliance on it.
With this unlimited access to this information also comes unlimited access to each other. I believe we, as human beings, aren't meant to be as connected as we are, or at least how we're becoming. When God confused the languages at Babel, maybe He did it simply to spread the tribes to repopulate the Earth, or maybe He did it because he knew that we weren't meant to be that connected with that many people. I believe most of the Laws he gave to Moses weren't because he was lording rules over us, it wasn't a power trip, I believe all of His commandments are because He knows how we work, He knows what's best for us. What I know is that I don't like being so accessible to everyone; I don't want people to know what I'm doing every moment of every day. I like that I have the ability to reach someone at anytime, wherever they are, but I don't expect or rely on that connection; I know that if I want to make sure someone is available for something, I need to plan for it, and if plans couldn't be made then it's just a shame if that connection can't be made. There used to be a time when, if a child couldn't get permission from his parent he wouldn't do it (or he would do it and know he would get punished if he got caught). Today I see too often children saying, "Well, I texted you that I was going over the Frank's house," or, "I called your cell phone..." It seems like because now we have this always available connection to each other, we shifted our thinking from "I couldn't get in contact with them because maybe they're out in the field doing work, we'll have to hold off on doing this until I get in touch them," to, "Well, they're not answering their phone, they must not care if we do this so let's just go ahead and do it."
Again, I think it's unhealthy as a people and I'm worried that you'll either agree with me and be ostracized, or you'll be like everyone else and and just have another barrier between us.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Elaborations: Openness and honesty
Pietro Aretino said “I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”
Mark Twain said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
First off, notice that almost everyone says the two words together, "Openness and honesty". People aren't being redundant, but many people mistake them as being synonyms; they're actually different words with distinct meanings.
When I talk about honesty, that simply means telling the truth. And, of course since this isn't a court of law, "telling the truth" automatically means nothing but the truth; slipping in a lie makes the entire statement a lie. And the truth is only exactly what happened; if you catch a 3 foot fish and you tell people you caught a 4 foot fish, that's not the truth, thus it's a lie. Many people make the distinction of white lies, or fibbing (I don't really hear that one anymore), or bending the truth. I understand the idea that telling people it was a 4 foot fish doesn't hurt anyone, but lying is a slippery slope that gets steeper the further you go. If it's not the truth, it's a lie.
Lying, to me, is one of the worst things you can do, aside from the obvious things like hurting other people. If I find the fish and realize it was only 3 feet long, and I realize you're willing to lie about something so petty, why should I believe you when you tell me it wasn't you who broke the vase? Why should I believe you when you tell me you're not drinking? Why should your significant other believe you when you tell them you love them? When you do something "wrong", you have to own up to it and face the consequences of your choices, lying about it is cowardly, immature, and it goes against God's will. But, that's a talk for a different subject.
I also want to make the distinction between lying and being wrong. If you truly thought the fish was four feet, then you weren't lying, you were just wrong. Lying is knowing one thing and conveying a different thought than what you know. The slippery slope here is, when you start lying to yourself; when you do that, then you start believing yourself and what started as a lie has turned into what you know and isn't a "lie" anymore per say, but it's still just as destructive. Just don't lie to anyone, especially yourself, and you'll be all set.
When I say openness, I'm referring to being able to talk freely about yourself; i.e. you have no secrets. Now, lines begin to blur when you start talking about volunteering information. Walking up to a complete stranger and saying "Hey, I like your boobs," is open, sure, but it's also rude. That woman probably doesn't care what you think about her, so making a statement that's so personal is uncalled for. Now, if she asked you what you thought, then be open about it. It doesn't hurt to make sure they know what they're asking for; "Are you sure you want my opinion, will you be upset me with if I tell you something you don't want to hear?" This also applies to inquiries about your past. If you did something bad in your past and someone asks you about it, tell them, don't be ashamed. You can express you'd rather not talk about it if it's a particularly emotional subject and/or the person asking isn't that close to you; but for your family, your best friend, your significant other, you need to talk to them.
Sometimes your feelings on something, your past choices/mistakes, or your personality might get you in trouble. There are countless jokes by enumerable comedians regarding how to answer the deadly question a wife asks her husband "Does this dress make me look fat." Everyone will tell you to not answer the question, tell a lie, redirect the conversation. Some people will say lies are needed because the truth hurts sometimes; I believe this might only be true because we haven't been raised on how to properly handle the truth and maybe because we've been fed lies most of our lives, we can't handle the truth some times.
If we are raised from the beginning to take people's opinion with a grain a salt and to be honest with ourselves, hurtful opinions won't matter and hurtful facts won't be a surprise.
Of course, you combine these two together. When you're being open, don't make stuff up; if you don't want to be open, it's better to just not be open than to act like you're being open but tell a lie. But when it comes to the people who matter the most to you, don't hold anything back and don't make anything up. And most importantly, be honest with yourself.
Mark Twain said "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything."
First off, notice that almost everyone says the two words together, "Openness and honesty". People aren't being redundant, but many people mistake them as being synonyms; they're actually different words with distinct meanings.
When I talk about honesty, that simply means telling the truth. And, of course since this isn't a court of law, "telling the truth" automatically means nothing but the truth; slipping in a lie makes the entire statement a lie. And the truth is only exactly what happened; if you catch a 3 foot fish and you tell people you caught a 4 foot fish, that's not the truth, thus it's a lie. Many people make the distinction of white lies, or fibbing (I don't really hear that one anymore), or bending the truth. I understand the idea that telling people it was a 4 foot fish doesn't hurt anyone, but lying is a slippery slope that gets steeper the further you go. If it's not the truth, it's a lie.
 |
| Golly Jiminy, how could you possibly not believe me when I say it wasn't me who told them chocolate covered grass hoppers were delicious? |
I also want to make the distinction between lying and being wrong. If you truly thought the fish was four feet, then you weren't lying, you were just wrong. Lying is knowing one thing and conveying a different thought than what you know. The slippery slope here is, when you start lying to yourself; when you do that, then you start believing yourself and what started as a lie has turned into what you know and isn't a "lie" anymore per say, but it's still just as destructive. Just don't lie to anyone, especially yourself, and you'll be all set.
When I say openness, I'm referring to being able to talk freely about yourself; i.e. you have no secrets. Now, lines begin to blur when you start talking about volunteering information. Walking up to a complete stranger and saying "Hey, I like your boobs," is open, sure, but it's also rude. That woman probably doesn't care what you think about her, so making a statement that's so personal is uncalled for. Now, if she asked you what you thought, then be open about it. It doesn't hurt to make sure they know what they're asking for; "Are you sure you want my opinion, will you be upset me with if I tell you something you don't want to hear?" This also applies to inquiries about your past. If you did something bad in your past and someone asks you about it, tell them, don't be ashamed. You can express you'd rather not talk about it if it's a particularly emotional subject and/or the person asking isn't that close to you; but for your family, your best friend, your significant other, you need to talk to them.
Sometimes your feelings on something, your past choices/mistakes, or your personality might get you in trouble. There are countless jokes by enumerable comedians regarding how to answer the deadly question a wife asks her husband "Does this dress make me look fat." Everyone will tell you to not answer the question, tell a lie, redirect the conversation. Some people will say lies are needed because the truth hurts sometimes; I believe this might only be true because we haven't been raised on how to properly handle the truth and maybe because we've been fed lies most of our lives, we can't handle the truth some times.
 |
| No honey, it's your 50 inch waist on that 5 foot frame that makes you look fat |
Of course, you combine these two together. When you're being open, don't make stuff up; if you don't want to be open, it's better to just not be open than to act like you're being open but tell a lie. But when it comes to the people who matter the most to you, don't hold anything back and don't make anything up. And most importantly, be honest with yourself.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
Elaborations: serving
The most obvious reason for saying to serve others is the religion behind it. I hope your religion is a choice, not a blind following; and I hope you follow your religion emphatically. More than that though, I hope your greatest source of happiness comes from serving others. Some may argue this may not be possible without some sort of religious beliefs, without some degree of believing there is something out there greater than you.
Going back to one of my main responsibilities as your father, it's my duty to give you the tools to help you be the happiest you can be; I believe the richest form of happiness comes from serving others, seeing someone else get what they want, even in the face of you not getting what you want. I want you to get true joy when someone else is blessed, even if you were hoping to get that very blessing. I want you to be happy for someone who "wins," even if you feel like they don't deserve it. I myself fail frequently at that last one, but I'm never jealous.
Someone may argue that having this mentality is actually selfish; if your main source of happiness is making other people happy, then you're not making others happy for altruistic reasons, you're just making yourself happy, which just happens to also make others happy. One retort to that may be, "Who cares;" other people are happy, does it really matter the reason behind it? I'll leave the philosophizing up to the philosophers, but I will say this: one way to test if you're doing it for the right reasons or not is to make sure you're not doing anything to make sure someone else knows what you've done. Do you gain just as much happiness regardless if the other person knows you did the good deed or not? Are you trying to make sure the other person knows it was you? Saying things like, "Hey, did you see I cleaned your room for you without you telling me to," might point to you actually being selfish in your actions. But, if you don't say anything and someone asks you, "Hey, did you clean my room," then you can say yes, or you can even be coy about it and let them wonder. Happiness should come from seeing other people being happy, not you knowing that they know you did it.
I do fear you truly will be this way. The reason I fear this is because I know that, when your main source of happiness comes from others being happy, that also means when others are unhappy, you're unhappy; and when you're the source of said unhappiness, that just really tears you up. The problem is, sometimes you have no control over whether your actions will upset someone else or not.
As a child, there's a good chance you ended up doing something for myself or for your mom (that you did out of 100% love for no other reason than because you wanted to bring joy to someone else) that you probably shouldn't have. Maybe you took your mother's purse and cut decorative holes in it because you thought it was pretty; of course you just ruined your mother's purse, but it was OK because you didn't know any better and you had good intentions. As you've gotten older, you now know better for the most part, but you'll always do things that will inadvertently upset someone; sometimes it'll be out of the blue ("I didn't know I wasn't suppose to put that in the dish washer"), sometimes it'll go against your intentions ("That program was suppose to make your computer run faster... sorry I formatted your hard drive"). Sometimes though... sometimes other people will get upset when it's completely out of your control; they take something you did the wrong way, maybe they read into something you say, finding meaning where there was none. Maybe you'll ask if someone has picked up the mail for today so you'll know whether you should go check or not, but they read into it and feel like you're pointing out their laziness (of which there may be none) so now you've upset them, all from a very innocent inquiry.
We seem to live in a world where we say, "It doesn't hurt to ask," but I can assure you it does. More often than not, the chance of becoming the source of negativity in someone else is not worth the knowledge gained. But, that's because my main source of happiness is others' happiness, so being the source of others' negativity is more painful to me than the average person. We also seem to live in a world where this concept seems so very foreign, even though almost every single religion, of which at least 80% of the world believes in some form of a higher power, teaches this way of living, that this would just be yet another trait that you feel distances yourself from others.
So, I believe the greatest happiness you can experience is in making other people happy, but I also know it can be a great source of unhappiness.
Going back to one of my main responsibilities as your father, it's my duty to give you the tools to help you be the happiest you can be; I believe the richest form of happiness comes from serving others, seeing someone else get what they want, even in the face of you not getting what you want. I want you to get true joy when someone else is blessed, even if you were hoping to get that very blessing. I want you to be happy for someone who "wins," even if you feel like they don't deserve it. I myself fail frequently at that last one, but I'm never jealous.
 |
| I'm glad you got the job instead of me... even though you spend half the day in the bathroom doing Idon'twanttoknow what. |
Someone may argue that having this mentality is actually selfish; if your main source of happiness is making other people happy, then you're not making others happy for altruistic reasons, you're just making yourself happy, which just happens to also make others happy. One retort to that may be, "Who cares;" other people are happy, does it really matter the reason behind it? I'll leave the philosophizing up to the philosophers, but I will say this: one way to test if you're doing it for the right reasons or not is to make sure you're not doing anything to make sure someone else knows what you've done. Do you gain just as much happiness regardless if the other person knows you did the good deed or not? Are you trying to make sure the other person knows it was you? Saying things like, "Hey, did you see I cleaned your room for you without you telling me to," might point to you actually being selfish in your actions. But, if you don't say anything and someone asks you, "Hey, did you clean my room," then you can say yes, or you can even be coy about it and let them wonder. Happiness should come from seeing other people being happy, not you knowing that they know you did it.
I do fear you truly will be this way. The reason I fear this is because I know that, when your main source of happiness comes from others being happy, that also means when others are unhappy, you're unhappy; and when you're the source of said unhappiness, that just really tears you up. The problem is, sometimes you have no control over whether your actions will upset someone else or not.
As a child, there's a good chance you ended up doing something for myself or for your mom (that you did out of 100% love for no other reason than because you wanted to bring joy to someone else) that you probably shouldn't have. Maybe you took your mother's purse and cut decorative holes in it because you thought it was pretty; of course you just ruined your mother's purse, but it was OK because you didn't know any better and you had good intentions. As you've gotten older, you now know better for the most part, but you'll always do things that will inadvertently upset someone; sometimes it'll be out of the blue ("I didn't know I wasn't suppose to put that in the dish washer"), sometimes it'll go against your intentions ("That program was suppose to make your computer run faster... sorry I formatted your hard drive"). Sometimes though... sometimes other people will get upset when it's completely out of your control; they take something you did the wrong way, maybe they read into something you say, finding meaning where there was none. Maybe you'll ask if someone has picked up the mail for today so you'll know whether you should go check or not, but they read into it and feel like you're pointing out their laziness (of which there may be none) so now you've upset them, all from a very innocent inquiry.
We seem to live in a world where we say, "It doesn't hurt to ask," but I can assure you it does. More often than not, the chance of becoming the source of negativity in someone else is not worth the knowledge gained. But, that's because my main source of happiness is others' happiness, so being the source of others' negativity is more painful to me than the average person. We also seem to live in a world where this concept seems so very foreign, even though almost every single religion, of which at least 80% of the world believes in some form of a higher power, teaches this way of living, that this would just be yet another trait that you feel distances yourself from others.
So, I believe the greatest happiness you can experience is in making other people happy, but I also know it can be a great source of unhappiness.
Friday, March 16, 2012
Elaborations: Self esteem and confidence
You may have heard me talk about my lack of self esteem. I truly do believe I'm an idiot; I fail at far too many things to ever consider myself even an average person. I regularly tick people off without even trying; when I was in middle school and early high school, I came to the realization that if I could figure out a way to get paid by upsetting people, I'd be rich. I'd be exceptionally unhappy, but the money would flow because I seem to have a knack for upsetting people. There's really nothing I excel at, except for the aforementioned putting people in a negative mood. But somehow I have confidence, quite the conundrum I know.
Maybe I'm using the wrong words, I'm not sure. The fact is, I am astutely aware of my numerous failures, and what I'm not currently aware of, I know I'll be made aware of shortly. And, any deficiencies I may forget about will quickly be brought back to my attention. I know what my abilities are, what I'm horrible at and what I'm not quite as bad at (my abilities range from bad to not as bad). But, this knowledge gives me confidence; somehow, for some reason, I don't have a "problem" with my inadequacies. I've chosen to be who I am (for the most part), so I realize if any bad stuff comes my way it's because of my choices. Well, anything that's within my control; sometimes people are just jerks.
But that's where the confidence thing comes in. If crap comes your way, it was either because of something you chose to do (perhaps it was a poor choice, or a thoughtless choice, but a choice none-the-less), or because someone else is just being stupid. If it was because of the former reason, then you need to take your lickings; you reap what you sow, every action has a re-action. If someone else is just being a jerk, well, that's their prerogative. You need to have candid insight to know when you've brought the crap on yourself.
Now, even if you believe the bad stuff you're getting is unjust, that you didn't bring it on yourself, that doesn't mean that you should necessarily keep doing it; but you don't exactly have to sacrifice who you are either. I have this problem of asking awkward questions of people, questions that any normal person would take offensively, as if I'm insulting them. Let's say someone does something that's generally thought of as "stupid." I might ask them why they did it. The mere inquiry is, to most people, calling their intelligence into question; if I were ask "Hey, why did you stack all those plates on top of those cups... which were already stacked on top of those bowls," I may as well have asked "Wow, how stupid are you? Does your idiocy know no bounds?"
It doesn't matter the words I choose, the tone of my voice, when I ask the question, how my body is moving when I ask, or the context in which I ask, it is, apparently, an insulting inquiry by its very nature. I truly just want some insight into their thought processes, it helps me understand them better as a person, which helps me interact with them better; there's absolutely no insult, judgement, or negative thought behind it. But, after a few years I realized, that's just how people are. So I learned to, generally, stop asking and accept that I'm just not going to get to know people as well as I'd like to; getting to know people better isn't worth the negativity I've introduced into this world. I'm still the same person, I still want to get to know people, I just won't get the chance. The point is, even though I don't agree with the fact that asking a simple question causes so much hostility, it doesn't change the fact that it does, so I have to decide if my gained knowledge is worth the bad stuff on a case-by-case basis.
So, even though I have this horrible lack of skill of interacting with people, knowing that fact gives me confidence. If I wanted to, I could learn to be a little more tactful in my interactions, but I truly believe taking the honest, open, direct route is the way we should be as people, even though no one else believes that. I don't have a problem with my inability to successfully interact with people; I've chosen to be this way because I believe this is how everyone should be, I can't control the fact that no one else does either.
Your mother... she really doesn't like this aspect of me. Whereas I don't see what's wrong with being honest with yourself about your own deficiencies, she feels like I'm too hard on myself. I personally believe if you're not honest with yourself about inadequacies, you'll never improve yourself.
Maybe I'm using the wrong words, I'm not sure. The fact is, I am astutely aware of my numerous failures, and what I'm not currently aware of, I know I'll be made aware of shortly. And, any deficiencies I may forget about will quickly be brought back to my attention. I know what my abilities are, what I'm horrible at and what I'm not quite as bad at (my abilities range from bad to not as bad). But, this knowledge gives me confidence; somehow, for some reason, I don't have a "problem" with my inadequacies. I've chosen to be who I am (for the most part), so I realize if any bad stuff comes my way it's because of my choices. Well, anything that's within my control; sometimes people are just jerks.
But that's where the confidence thing comes in. If crap comes your way, it was either because of something you chose to do (perhaps it was a poor choice, or a thoughtless choice, but a choice none-the-less), or because someone else is just being stupid. If it was because of the former reason, then you need to take your lickings; you reap what you sow, every action has a re-action. If someone else is just being a jerk, well, that's their prerogative. You need to have candid insight to know when you've brought the crap on yourself.
Now, even if you believe the bad stuff you're getting is unjust, that you didn't bring it on yourself, that doesn't mean that you should necessarily keep doing it; but you don't exactly have to sacrifice who you are either. I have this problem of asking awkward questions of people, questions that any normal person would take offensively, as if I'm insulting them. Let's say someone does something that's generally thought of as "stupid." I might ask them why they did it. The mere inquiry is, to most people, calling their intelligence into question; if I were ask "Hey, why did you stack all those plates on top of those cups... which were already stacked on top of those bowls," I may as well have asked "Wow, how stupid are you? Does your idiocy know no bounds?"
 |
| Pisa ain't got nothin' on me |
It doesn't matter the words I choose, the tone of my voice, when I ask the question, how my body is moving when I ask, or the context in which I ask, it is, apparently, an insulting inquiry by its very nature. I truly just want some insight into their thought processes, it helps me understand them better as a person, which helps me interact with them better; there's absolutely no insult, judgement, or negative thought behind it. But, after a few years I realized, that's just how people are. So I learned to, generally, stop asking and accept that I'm just not going to get to know people as well as I'd like to; getting to know people better isn't worth the negativity I've introduced into this world. I'm still the same person, I still want to get to know people, I just won't get the chance. The point is, even though I don't agree with the fact that asking a simple question causes so much hostility, it doesn't change the fact that it does, so I have to decide if my gained knowledge is worth the bad stuff on a case-by-case basis.
So, even though I have this horrible lack of skill of interacting with people, knowing that fact gives me confidence. If I wanted to, I could learn to be a little more tactful in my interactions, but I truly believe taking the honest, open, direct route is the way we should be as people, even though no one else believes that. I don't have a problem with my inability to successfully interact with people; I've chosen to be this way because I believe this is how everyone should be, I can't control the fact that no one else does either.
Your mother... she really doesn't like this aspect of me. Whereas I don't see what's wrong with being honest with yourself about your own deficiencies, she feels like I'm too hard on myself. I personally believe if you're not honest with yourself about inadequacies, you'll never improve yourself.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Elaborations: putting others first
Let me be clear on this, I believe we should always always always put others before ourselves. This practice is obvious and widely accepted in a few places:
Let others go through a door first (especially while you hold it for them)
If you've been waiting in a line and you know your needs will take a long time to be met while you know the person behind you will only take a minute (this isn't as common as it should be, but it's not rare)
Letting someone else have the last of something you want (again, not as common as it should be, but still a regular occurrence)
There are others, those are just a few examples. But, I'm talking about true sacrifice here, not just putting others wants above your wants, but putting their needs above your needs. I'm also talking about the little things, the day to day things.
Let's say you're sitting in a room with someone and they're hot, but you're fine; if they turn on the fan, they'll be comfortable, but you'll be cold. Someone is going to be uncomfortable, someone is going to be comfortable, I'm saying it should be you who's uncomfortable... every time. I'm not saying it's "wrong" to mention to your friend that their comfort would mean your discomfort; I'm not saying it's "wrong" to civilly come to a middle ground. I'm saying, wouldn't you like it if someone else let you have exactly what you want without sacrificing anything? Then you need to provide that to other people. Now if that other person just got up and turned the fan on, I say "Deal with it." If they ask you ahead of time, it's up to you; you can tell them it's fine knowing full well you'll be cold, but you're not lying because them being comfortable is more important to you, it brings you more satisfaction, than you not being cold. Or you could speak up and mention you'd be cold and the two of you can come to an agreement.
Now let's say you're on the other side of the couch; let's say you're the one who's hot and the other person seems perfectly comfortable and isn't changing anything themselves. It's a delicate balance, and one you must approach on a case-by-case basis, part of the equation being how well you know the other person, part of the equation being how truly uncomfortable are you. DEFINITELY do not just turn the fan on without asking first, even if it's in your own house. But, should you ask or should you just "deal with it"? As I said, there's nothing wrong with asking, but I think it takes a bigger person, a more mature person, a more caring person to deal with it.
Or, let's say you just finished a T-ball game and someone brought a cooler of drinks for all of you to enjoy. This cooler contains all kinds of drinks; various flavors of soda, bottles of water, various flavors of juice, etc. I want you to be the last person to get a drink, unless there's someone else doing the same thing. Now, that might mean that you don't get exactly what you want, but if that's true, then that means someone is not going to get exactly what they want, so it should be you. Why? Because you want to get what you want, so you need to extend that sentiment to other people, and the way to ensure that is to be sure that everyone else gets what they want before you do. Of course, if there's only one of something, then everyone is going to get the same thing; and if you're sure there's enough for everyone, then it doesn't matter if you're first or last.
The hard part is doing this sort of thing in the face of someone who's a jerk, to put someone's wants above yours, even though they've always been selfish.
Now, this isn't to say you're spineless. This is a conscious choice you make, this is you realizing that you get more enjoyment out of knowing someone is 100% getting their way than the amount of joy you'd get if you came to a mutual agreement. This is you doing your best to NOT be the source of any negativity.
Let others go through a door first (especially while you hold it for them)
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| After you my good man |
Letting someone else have the last of something you want (again, not as common as it should be, but still a regular occurrence)
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| Hey, I'm just grabbing it to give it to you |
Let's say you're sitting in a room with someone and they're hot, but you're fine; if they turn on the fan, they'll be comfortable, but you'll be cold. Someone is going to be uncomfortable, someone is going to be comfortable, I'm saying it should be you who's uncomfortable... every time. I'm not saying it's "wrong" to mention to your friend that their comfort would mean your discomfort; I'm not saying it's "wrong" to civilly come to a middle ground. I'm saying, wouldn't you like it if someone else let you have exactly what you want without sacrificing anything? Then you need to provide that to other people. Now if that other person just got up and turned the fan on, I say "Deal with it." If they ask you ahead of time, it's up to you; you can tell them it's fine knowing full well you'll be cold, but you're not lying because them being comfortable is more important to you, it brings you more satisfaction, than you not being cold. Or you could speak up and mention you'd be cold and the two of you can come to an agreement.
Now let's say you're on the other side of the couch; let's say you're the one who's hot and the other person seems perfectly comfortable and isn't changing anything themselves. It's a delicate balance, and one you must approach on a case-by-case basis, part of the equation being how well you know the other person, part of the equation being how truly uncomfortable are you. DEFINITELY do not just turn the fan on without asking first, even if it's in your own house. But, should you ask or should you just "deal with it"? As I said, there's nothing wrong with asking, but I think it takes a bigger person, a more mature person, a more caring person to deal with it.
Or, let's say you just finished a T-ball game and someone brought a cooler of drinks for all of you to enjoy. This cooler contains all kinds of drinks; various flavors of soda, bottles of water, various flavors of juice, etc. I want you to be the last person to get a drink, unless there's someone else doing the same thing. Now, that might mean that you don't get exactly what you want, but if that's true, then that means someone is not going to get exactly what they want, so it should be you. Why? Because you want to get what you want, so you need to extend that sentiment to other people, and the way to ensure that is to be sure that everyone else gets what they want before you do. Of course, if there's only one of something, then everyone is going to get the same thing; and if you're sure there's enough for everyone, then it doesn't matter if you're first or last.
The hard part is doing this sort of thing in the face of someone who's a jerk, to put someone's wants above yours, even though they've always been selfish.
Now, this isn't to say you're spineless. This is a conscious choice you make, this is you realizing that you get more enjoyment out of knowing someone is 100% getting their way than the amount of joy you'd get if you came to a mutual agreement. This is you doing your best to NOT be the source of any negativity.
Fears
I suppose next I should list the things I worry most about you becoming. As you should know by now, you weren't exactly planned... and if you didn't know that, SURPRISE.
Your mom didn't want any more kids because she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel; five more years and it was just going to be her and me really getting to enjoy our marriage. Most marriages have a few years where the couple can enjoy the relationship; we didn't. We'll be celebrating our 19th anniversary when you leave for college, maybe even more if you go to college while staying at home, so it'll be 19 years when it'll just be her and me for the very first time. She had fulfilled her biological "need" for procreation, she had more than done her part for the species in providing a replacement for her, and she had done a fine job raising them. She was done.
It's a parent's societal obligation to give their children the tools to be productive members of society. This can be achieved by passing on a sense of work ethic, by teaching them good etiquette and manners, by teaching the importance of responsibility and how their actions affect others, and other things. It's their moral obligation to give them the tools to be happy people. This can be achieved by instilling a sense of confidence, by teaching them how to positively handle negativity thrown at them while at the same time not requiring acceptance from others, by teaching them to enjoy the simple/free things in life, and other things. I didn't want children anymore because I realized I'm "broken". I've got some whacked senses of how things should be; but I truly believe this is how things should be, so I stick to my guns. I'm "old fashioned", even when compared to people my age and older, so I believe in values that simply don't apply anymore. I had been saying for about 8 years before you were born, "If I ever have a kid, he's either going to end up like me and I would never want to hurt any human being that badly, or they'll end up like most kids his age, in which case I would want to kill him."
I look around at the world, and I feel like I missed my time; I sometimes joke that I'm actually a time traveling experiment, that some scientists from the distant future traveled into our past (which is way in the past for them), stole a newborn baby, and brought him to Clewiston, Florida circa 1977 just to see if there actually is a difference in people as the ages roll on or if it's just how societies change. I fear I'm going to instill in you the things that drive me to believe I don't belong here. And that'll just be compounded as time rolls on.
I want to you understand the importance in humility and putting others before yourself, but we're smack dab in the middle of the self entitlement movement, so I'd just be setting you up for being a rug for people to abuse. I want you to understand the incredible importance of real human connection and interaction, but we're smack dab in the middle of the Global Village where people would rather text each other instead of call; where people would rather call each other than walk down the street and be in each other's presence, so I would just set you up for feeling empty because you would draw your sense of fulfillment from a source that isn't there anymore or is nearing exhaustion at the very least.
I'm fearful I'll:
Your mom didn't want any more kids because she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel; five more years and it was just going to be her and me really getting to enjoy our marriage. Most marriages have a few years where the couple can enjoy the relationship; we didn't. We'll be celebrating our 19th anniversary when you leave for college, maybe even more if you go to college while staying at home, so it'll be 19 years when it'll just be her and me for the very first time. She had fulfilled her biological "need" for procreation, she had more than done her part for the species in providing a replacement for her, and she had done a fine job raising them. She was done.
It's a parent's societal obligation to give their children the tools to be productive members of society. This can be achieved by passing on a sense of work ethic, by teaching them good etiquette and manners, by teaching the importance of responsibility and how their actions affect others, and other things. It's their moral obligation to give them the tools to be happy people. This can be achieved by instilling a sense of confidence, by teaching them how to positively handle negativity thrown at them while at the same time not requiring acceptance from others, by teaching them to enjoy the simple/free things in life, and other things. I didn't want children anymore because I realized I'm "broken". I've got some whacked senses of how things should be; but I truly believe this is how things should be, so I stick to my guns. I'm "old fashioned", even when compared to people my age and older, so I believe in values that simply don't apply anymore. I had been saying for about 8 years before you were born, "If I ever have a kid, he's either going to end up like me and I would never want to hurt any human being that badly, or they'll end up like most kids his age, in which case I would want to kill him."
I look around at the world, and I feel like I missed my time; I sometimes joke that I'm actually a time traveling experiment, that some scientists from the distant future traveled into our past (which is way in the past for them), stole a newborn baby, and brought him to Clewiston, Florida circa 1977 just to see if there actually is a difference in people as the ages roll on or if it's just how societies change. I fear I'm going to instill in you the things that drive me to believe I don't belong here. And that'll just be compounded as time rolls on.
I want to you understand the importance in humility and putting others before yourself, but we're smack dab in the middle of the self entitlement movement, so I'd just be setting you up for being a rug for people to abuse. I want you to understand the incredible importance of real human connection and interaction, but we're smack dab in the middle of the Global Village where people would rather text each other instead of call; where people would rather call each other than walk down the street and be in each other's presence, so I would just set you up for feeling empty because you would draw your sense of fulfillment from a source that isn't there anymore or is nearing exhaustion at the very least.
I'm fearful I'll:
- Instill in you the desire to always put others before you
- Instill in you the humility to believe you don't deserve anything but the confidence to always try your best and the self-seeking candor to know when you haven't done your best
- Make your primary source of happiness be in serving other people and making others happy
- Instill in you a sense of openness and honesty the likes of which have no place in this society
- Teach you to be childish but mature
I may make posts further down the road to add to these. Sure, I could come back and just edit this post, but I feel that goes against the nature of the purpose of this blog as well as the nature of blogs in general.
You may look at some of those points and think "But that's a good thing right, I mean aren't we called by God to blah blah blah?" Sure, that's why I posses many, if not all, of those traits; I believe that's how people should be, I believe having those traits will equal the most happiness for people. The problem is, unless everyone, or at least most people, is that way, those who are that way are going to be taken advantage of. Do I hope you'll have these traits, sure, but not to the level I have them, not in this world; I would not be meeting my obligation of a parent to give you the tools to be the happiest you can be. Yes, I believe this is how people should be, but I know better, and because I know better, I should teach better.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
A-#1
Watch your thoughts, they become words.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
I'm not sure if she does anymore, but your mother had a poster with this quote in her classroom. I believe this is the most important thing I can ever teach you:
Know who you are and choose who to be.
This requires a very keen observational skill which you then have to be able to use on yourself. It seems very few people on this planet have this skill in general (which is probably why such shows like Psych, House M.D., Monk, and others are so popular, they center around a character like none other which is essentially a person who is hyper aware of their surroundings), and even fewer use this skill on themselves.
Too often I see or hear about people not seeing someone's actions as who they are, or their personality or character. Whereas everyone makes mistakes, either in a moment of weakness or just in a moment of thoughtlessness, at some point a repetition of those actions indicates a character defining trait. A repetition of action is the definition of habit. I might make a slight edit to the aforementioned quote, something along the lines of indicating that actions aren't always based on words; you can do something without saying anything, but actions are still rooted in thought. At least, they should be.
Every action you take needs to have been "observed" first. That is to say, a thought pops in your head, you need to observe that thought and decide if that's something you actually want to act on. The vast majority of people act without thinking. Now, I'm making the distinction here of using the term "observing" in lieu of "thinking"; thinking is a form of thought, thoughts can happen without your intervention:
Let's say you're in a store and you see a watch that is super cool, so naturally you want it;
You've got some money saved up, but it's not enough to pay for it;
The thought of just putting the watch in your pocket and walking away may just pop in there (much like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man did);
If you didn't "observe" this thought, you would end up stealing (which I know by now I've told you not to), but most people do observe this thought and decide against it, or some people decide to go through with it. Very few people steal without "thinking" about it.
The point is, when I say observe your thoughts, that's when most people say "think about what you're doing."
Now I know, especially when you're young (I love the 're contraction, it could mean "you are" or "you were", so I'm relatively safe from knowing if you'll read this when you're younger or older), you're going to have a ton of observe-less/thoughtless actions; by the time you're a 10 or so, your observational abilities will be essentially ineffective. You could intend to observe every single one of your thoughts, but it's just not going to happen. Such is childhood. Bill Cosby jokingly called it "Brain Damage."
This ties directly into the Golden Rule; in order to treat others as you would want to be treated, you have to be mindful of your actions, as well as what you want. In order to know what you want, you have to know yourself. And you need to do this with every action you take. Most people will apply the Golden Rule in major places like seeing someone in need on the side of the street. But I'm saying you need to apply that to every aspect of your life.
You find yourself at a cross walk and you have the right-of-way, so you start to cross;
A car comes up and wants to turn right, but since you have the right-of-way, he has to wait for you;
You need to observe that the driver is waiting on you, put yourself in the driver's shoes and think, "What would make me happy if I were that driver."
Hopefully you'll come to the conclusion along the lines of hurrying up across the street instead of taking your time, because you would appreciate it you were driving your car waiting on someone crossing the street and they hurried up. Now, are there going to be situations where hurrying up isn't going to be the outcome? Sure, maybe you're helping an elderly person across the street; maybe you're hauling a ton of stuff and hurrying up would be painful. The point is, you observed your surroundings and saw an interaction between yourself and someone else; you thought about what you would like if you were in the other person's situation which requires knowing yourself; you consciously acted on those observations.
Watch your words, they become actions.
Watch your actions, they become habits.
Watch your habits, they become your character.
Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.
I'm not sure if she does anymore, but your mother had a poster with this quote in her classroom. I believe this is the most important thing I can ever teach you:
Know who you are and choose who to be.
This requires a very keen observational skill which you then have to be able to use on yourself. It seems very few people on this planet have this skill in general (which is probably why such shows like Psych, House M.D., Monk, and others are so popular, they center around a character like none other which is essentially a person who is hyper aware of their surroundings), and even fewer use this skill on themselves.
 |
| You're not really a psychic are you You actually are an OCD freak... You just have keen observation skills And you have keen observations skills |
Too often I see or hear about people not seeing someone's actions as who they are, or their personality or character. Whereas everyone makes mistakes, either in a moment of weakness or just in a moment of thoughtlessness, at some point a repetition of those actions indicates a character defining trait. A repetition of action is the definition of habit. I might make a slight edit to the aforementioned quote, something along the lines of indicating that actions aren't always based on words; you can do something without saying anything, but actions are still rooted in thought. At least, they should be.
Every action you take needs to have been "observed" first. That is to say, a thought pops in your head, you need to observe that thought and decide if that's something you actually want to act on. The vast majority of people act without thinking. Now, I'm making the distinction here of using the term "observing" in lieu of "thinking"; thinking is a form of thought, thoughts can happen without your intervention:
Let's say you're in a store and you see a watch that is super cool, so naturally you want it;
You've got some money saved up, but it's not enough to pay for it;
The thought of just putting the watch in your pocket and walking away may just pop in there (much like the Stay Puft Marshmallow man did);
If you didn't "observe" this thought, you would end up stealing (which I know by now I've told you not to), but most people do observe this thought and decide against it, or some people decide to go through with it. Very few people steal without "thinking" about it.
The point is, when I say observe your thoughts, that's when most people say "think about what you're doing."
.jpg) |
| Sorry Venkman, I guess I wasn't observing my thoughts. |
Now I know, especially when you're young (I love the 're contraction, it could mean "you are" or "you were", so I'm relatively safe from knowing if you'll read this when you're younger or older), you're going to have a ton of observe-less/thoughtless actions; by the time you're a 10 or so, your observational abilities will be essentially ineffective. You could intend to observe every single one of your thoughts, but it's just not going to happen. Such is childhood. Bill Cosby jokingly called it "Brain Damage."
This ties directly into the Golden Rule; in order to treat others as you would want to be treated, you have to be mindful of your actions, as well as what you want. In order to know what you want, you have to know yourself. And you need to do this with every action you take. Most people will apply the Golden Rule in major places like seeing someone in need on the side of the street. But I'm saying you need to apply that to every aspect of your life.
You find yourself at a cross walk and you have the right-of-way, so you start to cross;
A car comes up and wants to turn right, but since you have the right-of-way, he has to wait for you;
You need to observe that the driver is waiting on you, put yourself in the driver's shoes and think, "What would make me happy if I were that driver."
Hopefully you'll come to the conclusion along the lines of hurrying up across the street instead of taking your time, because you would appreciate it you were driving your car waiting on someone crossing the street and they hurried up. Now, are there going to be situations where hurrying up isn't going to be the outcome? Sure, maybe you're helping an elderly person across the street; maybe you're hauling a ton of stuff and hurrying up would be painful. The point is, you observed your surroundings and saw an interaction between yourself and someone else; you thought about what you would like if you were in the other person's situation which requires knowing yourself; you consciously acted on those observations.
The Debut
I always told myself I wouldn't blog, of course that was when blogging was more of a fad. So not only did the hipster part of me not want to join the masses, more fundamentally I knew I had nothing important to say, at least to anyone that would care. However, now there is someone that may or may not care, but with the possibility that he may want to know me a little better, I don't want to potentially rob him of that.
This Blog is for Isaac Shaun Powell, my son.
Other people may read this, but I wouldn't be surprised if the only hit I ever see this blog getting is maybe from my wife. I want him to know who I was, through recanting of my past; how that past influenced me to become the person I am today, before he really gets to know who I am; and maybe provide a little insight into who I became/why I do whatever it is I did that drove him to read this. This also serves the purpose of giving him something in case something happens to me; I've seen too many movies where a parent leaves something behind for their child and how great that seems. Well, in order to do that, the parent had to prepare.
If my wife is reading this, you're probably going to read things you don't like. I'm going to talk about my idiosyncrasies, many of which I know you think are stupid; heck, I think they're stupid but I also believe this is how people should be, so this is how I've chosen to be. You're probably going to read things and think "Why doesn't/didn't he talk to me about this?" Maybe I did once and I didn't like the outcome of the conversation so I figure why talk about it again; maybe I'm confident that talking about such things would achieve nothing other than angst in you, and thus myself. I'm probably going to say things that you're going to take as me complaining about you or saying there's something you need to change about yourself; I'm only going to say this here (since this is really for Isaac): I have never asked you to change and I truly don't think I ever will.
This is my personal "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen", dedicated to my son.
This Blog is for Isaac Shaun Powell, my son.
Other people may read this, but I wouldn't be surprised if the only hit I ever see this blog getting is maybe from my wife. I want him to know who I was, through recanting of my past; how that past influenced me to become the person I am today, before he really gets to know who I am; and maybe provide a little insight into who I became/why I do whatever it is I did that drove him to read this. This also serves the purpose of giving him something in case something happens to me; I've seen too many movies where a parent leaves something behind for their child and how great that seems. Well, in order to do that, the parent had to prepare.
If my wife is reading this, you're probably going to read things you don't like. I'm going to talk about my idiosyncrasies, many of which I know you think are stupid; heck, I think they're stupid but I also believe this is how people should be, so this is how I've chosen to be. You're probably going to read things and think "Why doesn't/didn't he talk to me about this?" Maybe I did once and I didn't like the outcome of the conversation so I figure why talk about it again; maybe I'm confident that talking about such things would achieve nothing other than angst in you, and thus myself. I'm probably going to say things that you're going to take as me complaining about you or saying there's something you need to change about yourself; I'm only going to say this here (since this is really for Isaac): I have never asked you to change and I truly don't think I ever will.
This is my personal "Everybody's Free to Wear Sunscreen", dedicated to my son.
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