Elaborations: Self esteem and confidence

You may have heard me talk about my lack of self esteem.  I truly do believe I'm an idiot; I fail at far too many things to ever consider myself even an average person.  I regularly tick people off without even trying; when I was in middle school and early high school, I came to the realization that if I could figure out a way to get paid by upsetting people, I'd be rich.  I'd be exceptionally unhappy, but the money would flow because I seem to have a knack for upsetting people.  There's really nothing I excel at, except for the aforementioned putting people in a negative mood.  But somehow I have confidence, quite the conundrum I know.

Maybe I'm using the wrong words, I'm not sure.  The fact is, I am astutely aware of my numerous failures, and what I'm not currently aware of, I know I'll be made aware of shortly.  And, any deficiencies I may forget about will quickly be brought back to my attention.  I know what my abilities are, what I'm horrible at and what I'm not quite as bad at (my abilities range from bad to not as bad).  But, this knowledge gives me confidence; somehow, for some reason, I don't have a "problem" with my inadequacies.  I've chosen to be who I am (for the most part), so I realize if any bad stuff comes my way it's because of my choices.  Well, anything that's within my control; sometimes people are just jerks.

But that's where the confidence thing comes in.  If crap comes your way, it was either because of something you chose to do (perhaps it was a poor choice, or a thoughtless choice, but a choice none-the-less), or because someone else is just being stupid.  If it was because of the former reason, then you need to take your lickings; you reap what you sow, every action has a re-action.  If someone else is just being a jerk, well, that's their prerogative.  You need to have candid insight to know when you've brought the crap on yourself.

Now, even if you believe the bad stuff you're getting is unjust, that you didn't bring it on yourself, that doesn't mean that you should necessarily keep doing it; but you don't exactly have to sacrifice who you are either.  I have this problem of asking awkward questions of people, questions that any normal person would take offensively, as if I'm insulting them.  Let's say someone does something that's generally thought of as "stupid."  I might ask them why they did it.  The mere inquiry is, to most people, calling their intelligence into question; if I were ask "Hey, why did you stack all those plates on top of those cups... which were already stacked on top of those bowls," I may as well have asked "Wow, how stupid are you?  Does your idiocy know no bounds?"

Pisa ain't got nothin' on me

It doesn't matter the words I choose, the tone of my voice, when I ask the question, how my body is moving when I ask, or the context in which I ask, it is, apparently, an insulting inquiry by its very nature.  I truly just want some insight into their thought processes, it helps me understand them better as a person, which helps me interact with them better; there's absolutely no insult, judgement, or negative thought behind it.  But, after a few years I realized, that's just how people are.  So I learned to, generally, stop asking and accept that I'm just not going to get to know people as well as I'd like to; getting to know people better isn't worth the negativity I've introduced into this world.  I'm still the same person, I still want to get to know people, I just won't get the chance.  The point is, even though I don't agree with the fact that asking a simple question causes so much hostility, it doesn't change the fact that it does, so I have to decide if my gained knowledge is worth the bad stuff on a case-by-case basis.

So, even though I have this horrible lack of skill of interacting with people, knowing that fact gives me confidence.  If I wanted to, I could learn to be a little more tactful in my interactions, but I truly believe taking the honest, open, direct route is the way we should be as people, even though no one else believes that.  I don't have a problem with my inability to successfully interact with people; I've chosen to be this way because I believe this is how everyone should be, I can't control the fact that no one else does either.

Your mother... she really doesn't like this aspect of me.  Whereas I don't see what's wrong with being honest with yourself about your own deficiencies, she feels like I'm too hard on myself.  I personally believe if you're not honest with yourself about inadequacies, you'll never improve yourself.