Your mom didn't want any more kids because she was finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel; five more years and it was just going to be her and me really getting to enjoy our marriage. Most marriages have a few years where the couple can enjoy the relationship; we didn't. We'll be celebrating our 19th anniversary when you leave for college, maybe even more if you go to college while staying at home, so it'll be 19 years when it'll just be her and me for the very first time. She had fulfilled her biological "need" for procreation, she had more than done her part for the species in providing a replacement for her, and she had done a fine job raising them. She was done.
It's a parent's societal obligation to give their children the tools to be productive members of society. This can be achieved by passing on a sense of work ethic, by teaching them good etiquette and manners, by teaching the importance of responsibility and how their actions affect others, and other things. It's their moral obligation to give them the tools to be happy people. This can be achieved by instilling a sense of confidence, by teaching them how to positively handle negativity thrown at them while at the same time not requiring acceptance from others, by teaching them to enjoy the simple/free things in life, and other things. I didn't want children anymore because I realized I'm "broken". I've got some whacked senses of how things should be; but I truly believe this is how things should be, so I stick to my guns. I'm "old fashioned", even when compared to people my age and older, so I believe in values that simply don't apply anymore. I had been saying for about 8 years before you were born, "If I ever have a kid, he's either going to end up like me and I would never want to hurt any human being that badly, or they'll end up like most kids his age, in which case I would want to kill him."
I look around at the world, and I feel like I missed my time; I sometimes joke that I'm actually a time traveling experiment, that some scientists from the distant future traveled into our past (which is way in the past for them), stole a newborn baby, and brought him to Clewiston, Florida circa 1977 just to see if there actually is a difference in people as the ages roll on or if it's just how societies change. I fear I'm going to instill in you the things that drive me to believe I don't belong here. And that'll just be compounded as time rolls on.
I want to you understand the importance in humility and putting others before yourself, but we're smack dab in the middle of the self entitlement movement, so I'd just be setting you up for being a rug for people to abuse. I want you to understand the incredible importance of real human connection and interaction, but we're smack dab in the middle of the Global Village where people would rather text each other instead of call; where people would rather call each other than walk down the street and be in each other's presence, so I would just set you up for feeling empty because you would draw your sense of fulfillment from a source that isn't there anymore or is nearing exhaustion at the very least.
I'm fearful I'll:
- Instill in you the desire to always put others before you
- Instill in you the humility to believe you don't deserve anything but the confidence to always try your best and the self-seeking candor to know when you haven't done your best
- Make your primary source of happiness be in serving other people and making others happy
- Instill in you a sense of openness and honesty the likes of which have no place in this society
- Teach you to be childish but mature
I may make posts further down the road to add to these. Sure, I could come back and just edit this post, but I feel that goes against the nature of the purpose of this blog as well as the nature of blogs in general.
You may look at some of those points and think "But that's a good thing right, I mean aren't we called by God to blah blah blah?" Sure, that's why I posses many, if not all, of those traits; I believe that's how people should be, I believe having those traits will equal the most happiness for people. The problem is, unless everyone, or at least most people, is that way, those who are that way are going to be taken advantage of. Do I hope you'll have these traits, sure, but not to the level I have them, not in this world; I would not be meeting my obligation of a parent to give you the tools to be the happiest you can be. Yes, I believe this is how people should be, but I know better, and because I know better, I should teach better.
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